Some people work well under pressure. I'm not one of those people. My sanity is a delicate balance between enough activity to prevent bored depression and enough down time, think time, and cathartic entertainment to prevent stress overload. As I was just laying on my bed, waiting for sleep to come but relishing the chance to meditate on stuff, I was scanning the pictures in my room and saw the mvp plaque from lacrosse. I remember all the times that I stressed about dying at conditioning practices, the frustrations of first learning to function with a lacrosse stick, and trying to work homework in around practice. I remember junior year, making first cuts for varsity, then having my hopes dashed in the final selection. I remember deciding to try playing goalie, the sheer terror of standing in front of that speeding little rubber ball. I remember practice after practice, fighting my natural reaction instincts in order to improve my goalie skills. I remember counting 18 total bruises at one time (big, black, and blue). I remember the elation and pressure of making it onto varsity as a goalie. I never felt like I was as good as everyone else, I never felt like I deserved my spot on varsity. Senior year, Coach Kristen thought that I belonged there; she named me most valuable player.
I don't feel like I belong at BYU. My schedule is just too hard. Everyone seems so much smarter. And yet Dr. Kearl, the professor of my dreaded Econ class, had me stand up for applause for a killer good essay. Yup, so confused. If I could become mvp on the field, (which is so not me) then maybe I can do it in the classroom too. Maybe.
I don't feel like I belong at BYU. My schedule is just too hard. Everyone seems so much smarter. And yet Dr. Kearl, the professor of my dreaded Econ class, had me stand up for applause for a killer good essay. Yup, so confused. If I could become mvp on the field, (which is so not me) then maybe I can do it in the classroom too. Maybe.
No, I'm not struggling financially, but I hit a new low today on my Econ 110 test. The result? D. I don't do D's. Ever. I am so confused, not confused about the material, but my score! I had the usual jitters, but I knew the material. Go ahead, ask me about opportunity cost, property rights, non-coincident wants, profit maximization, elasticity of demand, long run vs. short run decisions, and all about supply and demand. I could tell you all about it, but somehow that didn't convert to a good, or even decent, score. WHY DID I TAKE ECON FROM KEARL?! I heard he has a reputation for being hard, but I didn't understand just how hard. Now I know. My mom's advice? "Don't beat yourself up. It's not your fault." Thanks. If it isn't my fault, than whose is it? Maybe it's bad luck. Haha. Maybe that killer storm that shook the house and lit up my room late last night was a bad omen and there was nothing I could do about it. Hmmm...
